Our Farms: An Exclusive Look

We invited the journalists of BNN News to take a tour of our free range farms at the pole, this is the uncensored transcription of that TV coverage.

(John being welcomed to our farm)

Hello and welcome back to BNN News. I'm John, and today we have been invited to an exclusive tour at Polar Product's unconventional penguin meat farms. I'm here at the pole, esco- I mean accompanied by a dozen or so employees and security members of Penguin Produce, who are apparently here to "keep me safe and to keep me from getting lost". It seems a bit extreme, but I won't argue.

So yes, as we stand here on this towering metal structure, we oversee a couple thousand penguins, who all seem to stay on one chunk of ice over there. If I look closely, there seems to be a sort of electric fence perimeter set up around-... Nevermind, they've assured me that this is the natural behavior of penguins, even during summer months when it's a scorching 40 degrees Fahrenheit out. Oh, what's that noise? It looks like that glacier is cracking...and a giant ice chunk has fallen onto the penguins! ...

Okay, the dust has settled, and Penguin Produce drones are already on the scene, taking the fresh penguin meat for delivery to the processing facilities in Chile and Argentina. They are not wasteful, I'll give them that.

I thought that this incident has been an obvious sign of worsening climate change, but the CEO himself has called to assure me that this phenomenon happens daily here, and has been a natural hazard to the penguins for thousands of years. He did also attempt to threaten my family, but said it was a joke. Interesting guy.

Welcome back. If it sounds a bit intense behind me, it's because I'm now being ushered into helicopter. They told me this was for my safety. Apparently, the Chilean police have made a surprise visit to check up on the facility. I did see a few of the employed prisoners grabbing objects vaguely gun-like just a few moments after the police arrived, but I don't see what the problem would be. But it seems our tour has been cut short, so it's back to the desk I guess (crackling noise and yelling in background).